Past Lives

I knew you once before. I can feel it.

We were best friends. Maybe lovers.

Your smile. I recognize it.

Your eyes. They provide me warmth.

Your soft hands. They bring me comfort.

Your presence. I’ve felt this before.

You were once mine. I can feel it.

And here we are. The best of friends.

But there is so much more there.

I know it.

And I know you know it too.

I love you. More than you know.

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My Own Revelation

This piece written by Alicia Keys resonated with me. More than I can say.

Every single word moved every part of my being.

In this day and age, I would think strong women would be praised, but nope… I often have found that we are judged – harshly.

We cannot be good wives if we are outspoken – how will our husband’s deal with us? *eyes roll* We can’t be amazing mother’s if we choose to be career women – how will we be able to do both? We can’t be kind and sensitive if we have a voice and aren’t afraid to use it – because having a voice and being outspoken = you’re a bitch.

I have gotten to Alicia’s point in my life also.

I’m over it. This is me:

I am strong. I am powerful. I can’t stand laziness or people who complain all day. If you want something or you hate your current circumstance, do something about it. Get up, move, make it happen. I am a mover. I am not a good liar, so sometimes you won’t like what I have to say, because not everyone truly wants to hear the truth. But if you are in my life, you know I am kind and sensitive and I would do anything within my power for you. I am the best mother to my son I can be. I have decided to put him first and it does not mean I’ve lost my identity. I speak my mind – every day. I curse a lot and I can still be a lady. I am not very religious. But I am spiritual. And yes, I married someone who is not Muslim and he married someone who IS Muslim. And we make it work, happily. YES, I can still be a PROUD Muslim. No one can tell me otherwise. I want to build my career and I want to have more children. I CAN do both. I will never be a size two. It just isn’t going to happen. And I’m okay with that, because I can still have dark skin, be curvy and feel amazing about myself.

I hope you know it is okay for you to be exactly who you are also.

Read Alicia’s beautiful written revelation here.

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When she hurts, I hurt.

According to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), 44% of victims of rape, abuse, and incest are under the age of 18. Over 17.7 million American women have been victims of attempted or completed rape. Nine out of 10 rape victims were female (2003).

Disturbing, isn’t it?

What’s even more disturbing is that “98% of rapists will never spend a day in jail or prison.”

Have you ever met someone that intrinsically changes your entire being? I’m not talking about a spouse or lover. I’m talking about a friend. For me, it was within the last few years. I won’t share too many details to protect her identity. I will say that she has been a God send to me and my heart is broken learning that she was once, raped.

To know that someone I love so deeply has been hurt in such a violating way hurts me. It doesn’t just hurt – it makes me want to scream. I want to break something. I want to levitate from my body, find the asshole who did this to her and bring him unbearable pain.

The reality is – you probably know one or more women (or men) who have been raped.

This is an epidemic. A violation against humanity. A crime against humanity. And each of us has to work to end it.

It starts at home.

As a mother it is my duty in life to teach my son everything. I am his first teacher – his father and I. As a mother of a boy, it is my job to teach him the value of a woman. The value of a human being – each person, regardless of their gender, sexual orientation, religious (or non-religious) beliefs, etc.

It also starts with conversations. We cannot change the world without dialogue.

So have a conversation. First with your children. Then with your other family members. On social media… anywhere you can. Our voices are more powerful than we can imagine.

Talk about it. And share this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jMhMVEjEQg – especially with your pre-teen/teenage children. So very important to begin that dialogue from a young age and revisit it every so often.

If you need other resources on how to talk to your children about sexual assault/abuse, here are few:

http://www.nsopw.gov/en-US/Education/TalkingChild?AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1

http://www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/tip-sheet-8

https://rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/child-sexual-abuse/if-you-suspect

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-l-pulido-phd/talking-to-your-child-about-sexual-abuse_b_3581232.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/overcoming-child-abuse/201006/how-and-when-talk-your-child-about-sexual-abuse

Don’t forget to hug your loved ones. You NEVER know what they’ve been through in their lives that they may not have shared with you, yet.

Feeling nostalgic

The picture below is one of my favorite of my growing little man. This was taken by me in Hawaii less than a month ago.

I can sit and stare at him all day. I still can’t believe I grew him inside of me.

And then came this little baby that forever changed my world…

And now, he’s such a big boy, a little man.

I just can’t believe it.

Words cannot explain how much my life changed when you came into it, Elijah.

You are my moon, my stars and everything in between…

I love you.

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Mommy will always come back…

It has been a rough week in our household since coming back from our family vacation in Hawaii. My 4 year old son is going through an attachment issue of some sort.

He was fine in preschool earlier this year after months of taking time to adjust, but we had to move him to another preschool/daycare where he is full time now M-F. In his last school, he was only there a couple of days a week for a few hours and with family for “daycare” the rest of the days of the week. In this new school, he’s done well, at least for the first few weeks. Then we went on vacation. We were on vacation for about 10 days in Hawaii and we spend night and day together and had an amazing time. Since we came back, he’s been kind of anxious and wants to be with us constantly. So drop off and pick up from his new school/daycare is rough.

I’ve talked to him many times and feel fully confident that he’s in loving hands at his new school/daycare – it seems to be that he wants to be with us all the time. It breaks my heart, because financially – to live the lifestyle we live, my husband and I both need to work.

I’m trying to figure out what else I should do to make him feel more secure.

Every day when I pick him up after preschool/daycare he’s waiting for me with welled up eyes, not quite crying, but anticipating me to come. He sees other kids being picked up and is just waiting for me, scared that I might not show up. When I do pick him up, he comes running and I hold him for a few minutes while he floods me with kisses and hugs. I hold him, hug him, kiss him and reassure him that I love him and that I’ll always pick him up, that I will always come back. I remind him that we love him and of all the many ways we spend so much time with him and the fun and great things we do all day long when we’re together.

But the transition back to our ‘normal’ schedule has been rough this week. And I have been very emotional about it. It makes me question my skills at being a mother. No matter how much love and attention I give him, without sacrificing my other passions – working in the social services field – it just isn’t good enough. Or so it seems. So it feels.

Thankfully, I have a great support system. Mom’s that I talk to regularly in my mommy group on Facebook had many great words of wisdom for me. And just last week, my parents started to pick my son up early from preschool/daycare to alleviate some of the anxiety for him. It was nice that they suggested it and I didn’t have to ask. We bought them their own car seat and now 3-4 days of the week, they will be picking him up early.

Still, my heart is heavy. If he only knew how hard it is for me to go back to work on Mondays after a weekend of non-stop togetherness or vacation. I realize that I need to stop worrying about anything else (not having enough time for friends and feeling like a ‘bad’ friend) and just focus on giving this lil’ boy everything he needs, which right now is ME and my time, love, affection…

Go-Go-Go

I cannot believe that when I went into Target yesterday, all the fall items were already rolling out. I know I shouldn’t be surprised (because I say this every year when fall items start rolling out in the summer), but it’s only July and I’m not quite ready for fall. In fact, i’m not quite ready for this year to be over and it feels like it’s ending FAST!

This has been an amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing year for the Prasad family. My husband and I have been working out and living a healthier lifestyle. I have lost 30 lbs (hubby has lost 30 also) and working on losing 40 more before we “officially” start trying for baby number two this fall. I am finally excited about being pregnant again! While I always wanted my children to be a little closer in age (our son is 4 years old), when he was about 2 years old, I thought to myself “I’m sooooooo NOT ready for my body to be hijacked again!” I gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy and developed gestational diabetes – all of that was so hard on me that for the longest time I was very put off about getting pregnant again although I knew 10000% that I wanted another baby. After losing 30 lbs and feeling good about my fitness/weight loss goals, I am feeling much better about getting pregnant again. So we are officially going to start trying this fall.

But from now until fall, we have SO much to do! All good stuff, but it will keep us busy. For one, we are FINALLY fully furnishing our house. I have expensive taste – not gonna lie – and because the furniture I want costs an arm and a leg, I put off for years, buying all the items I really wanted. We are finally at a place where I can start decorating my house and furnishing it to my taste. And I loooooooooooooooooooooooooove it. I feel like I’m walking through an HGTV catalog and it makes me smile. I’m a total homebody so having my home look exactly the way I want makes me giddy. Several home reno projects are happening from now until the fall that will keep us very busy.

Additionally, we just got back from a fun family vacay in Oahu. Our friends got married out there and we were not able to only witness their happy union, but we were able to make a memorable family vacation out of it. It was Elijah’s first time on a plane and he did SO well. We spent the majority of our time playing on the beach and it was incredibly relaxing and rejuvenating. I absolutely melt watching him play on the beach, building sand castles, swimming, frolicking… it makes my heart smile!

Now it’s back to business. Work is insanely busy. I’m the lead on some high profile project areas and I have been go-go-go. Elijah started a private pre-school and is flourishing. We are FINALLY putting a stop to sleeping with us (he started sleeping with us when he turned 1 – I don’t co-sleep before age 1 due to the high risks). We bought him a bigger bed (got rid of the twin and bought him a full size) and are working with him to sleep through the night. We can’t really be mad at him because we selfishly allowed him to sleep with us this long because we work full time and by the time we get home from work in the evening, we only have 2-3 hours with him before he goes to sleep, so sleeping with him was a great bonding time. No one snuggles better than a toddler! But alas, now that he is 4 and we hope to try for baby number 2 soon, it’s time to make that transition.

I’m hoping to connect with girlfriends in the near future, but unfortunately, with everything happening to our home, Elijah’s pee-wee soccer (side note: I am THE best soccer mom!), and everything else, I have neglected time with girlfriends. Thankfully, my close gfs totally get it and when I do see them, it’s like no time has passed.

Life has been amazing.

This year has been amazing and I cannot wait to see what the rest of the year has in store for us!

I count my blessings every day because my life is full of them.

xo

Life is busy. Life is amazing.

I have been so M.I.A. lately. Life has been insane. I finally feel like I can breathe a little after my insanely busy month of May.

It was my son’s 4th birthday, my wedding anniversary (on the same day as son’s birthday, btw), my husband’s birthday and Mother’s Day. Not to mention, my hubby’s brother’s engagement was also in May AND my best friend’s wedding, which I was a bridesmaid in. The month was jam packed, to say the least. Of course, it was all fun stuff, but I felt so exhausted.

Finally feel like I can breathe a little – at least for the month of June. Because in July, hubby, our lil’ guy and I are going to HAWAII for a dear friend’s wedding. I cannot tell you how excited I am to be going on a fun family vacation to Hawaii. I can’t wait to see my son enjoy his time at the Disneyland resort in Oahu, as well as the other places we are staying (Turtle Bay Resort and some private villas – don’t know the name). Elijah is going to have a blast! So are my husband and I. We need this and cannot wait. Finally we’re taking a family vacation on a larger scale. Elijah has never been on an airplane, yet.

So many exciting new changes are currently happening in our lives and are coming our way…like fun renovations and purchases for our house; Elijah is starting a different pre-school (private pre-school where I feel like he will really excel and advance); and we are soccer parents – Elijah just started “Pee Wee Soccer” and my hubby is one of his coaches and I am a proud soccer mom!

But I’m especially excited that hubby and I are gearing up to finally start “trying” for baby number two. I finally feel ready. I keep thinking of how much I can’t wait to have another child. Boy or girl – I will be totally excited. Because the truth is, children are the best gift we can be given. (Side note: I HATE when people are more excited about one gender over the over. So ungrateful! Total pet peeve of mine. I have a boy, I know how amazing they are and I’ve been around little girls, not to mention, I am a girl, so I know how amazing they are also. Just be grateful you are even having a child)!!!

I know Elijah will be the best older sibling possible because he is the most loving, kind-hearted, creative, shy little boy who loves his mama and papa to pieces.

More fun posts about my life coming soon. xo

How many Black men/children need to die before someone gives a fuck?

I’m conflicted about this video circulating social media of a mother angry and smacking her teenage son around for participating in some of the protesting/rioting in Baltimore.

I get it. I’m a mom.

I wouldn’t want my child to necessarily partake in what was happening – NOT because it isn’t important to BE angry, but because I would be afraid the cops would kill him too – shoot him, pellet him, throw him in a van and sever his spinal cord.

As a mother and a social activist, I don’t think I could be mad at my son for being angry about the injustices happening to Black men and children on the daily as if it shouldn’t make us ALL angry. You don’t have to be Black to be angry.

How is that Freddie Gray got put into the back of a police van – ALIVE and intact – but then was brought out with wounds that would eventually kill him, including his SPINAL CORD INJURIES? What the f*ck were they doing to a man who went into a van ALIVE and came out with a f*cked up spinal cord? Better yet – why aren’t you mad as hell about this? Why aren’t you sharing that instead of a video of this mother?

Let’s be honest, echoing the sentiments of my friend and fellow social activist, half of the people “liking” this video would be calling this mom “ghetto” – “unfit” – and on the phone with the police and CPS had this been in a different context.

Do I think she should have stopped her son from partaking. Yes. As a mother, I do – because I would be scared the cops would kill my son too.

What I can’t stand, what infuriates me – is that more people are interested in this video than the fact that ANOTHER BLACK MAN WAS KILLED BY POLICE WHEN HE WAS ALIVE AND INTACT MOMENTS EARLIER.

Two words: Spinal Cord.

SHARE THAT.

I’m done.

Blessed.

Sometimes, at night, when my husband and son are fast asleep, I lay wide awake thinking of everything and anything.

The matriarch of the family, my mind is constantly moving a mile a minute. Everything is stored in my brain.

What time is Elijah’s dentist appointment? Oh wait, the day changed from Friday to Tuesday. When is my doctor’s appointment? That’s right, I moved it to my day off next week. We have a birthday party this weekend to go to? No, that was last week. No, we had one last week, but we also have on THIS week. Plus, another family event at night. That’s all on Saturday. What do we have to do on Sunday? Did I register him for pee-wee soccer? Yes. Did I turn in his pre-school photos that we did not want to keep? Yes. Oh shit, did I register him for pre-school for the upcoming fall year!?!?!? Yes.

Sigh. Relax Naz… you’re on top of it. You’re always on top of it. 

A mile a minute. My brain moves a mile a minute.

I am the keeper of all. That’s my job. I am the matriarch in the family. It goes with the territory. Especially since no one else (hubby) can do it as well as I can, so I have to do it. It’s my perfectionist nature. I don’t want anyone else to do it because I do it so well.

And deep down I know… I enjoy it. 

This is what I have always dreamed of. My cookie cutter, Leave-It-To-Beaver, soon-to-be soccer mom life. 

We live in a family friendly neighborhood with a park around the corner that we are often at with our young son. We specifically bought a house in a court so we could put our cheesy orange cones and “slow down, children at play” signs up and watch our son ride his tricycle up and down, back and forth in safe space free from on-coming traffic. We live near a bike trail so we can go on family bike rides and walk our doggies through a pretty scenic area. We live near our immediate families because culturally, our families play a huge role in our lives. Grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins – as Fijians/Indians, we were brought up very close to our immediate families, so it’s important for our son to spend a lot of time with his immediate family also. This makes it easy for impromptu family dinners, backyard bbqs, etc.

Unfortunately, our lifestyle leaves little room for much else. Nights out with girlfriends are very limited, by choice. As a working-mom, I enjoy spending most of my time with my son and husband. Because I know I will never get these years back. And while I love my girlfriends so very much, I know that the ones dearest to me, understand what I’m feeling and where I am in my life right now. Many of them are mothers themselves, busy in their lives with their partners and children. Those who are not mothers still understand. And I feel very blessed to be supported by those friends I hardly even get to see. 

We are living our American dream. This is what our immigrant parents sacrificed their lives for. So that we can come to the U.S., get our college degrees, get married, purchase a home and start our families. And that’s what we are doing.

It’s very cookie cutter. I know that. And I also know our life isn’t what everyone chooses for themselves. But for me, I pinch myself and ask “how did I get here?” My relationship with my husband is the best it has ever been. Side note: We are both down 30 lbs in 7 weeks because we have started to work out together and really change our lifestyle. I have the most amazing, kind-hearted, sweet-tempered little boy as a son. I have two independent doggies that don’t cause me any trouble. And I have a beautiful home purchased by my husband and I after years of saving money and a lot of blood, sweat and tears. I am so proud. I am so blessed.

And I thank God everyday.

I cannot wait to expand our family. Within the next six months, I foresee us officially “trying”. Elijah will be the best big brother in the world. And I will be so very lucky to have yet another human I created call me “momma.” ❤

It’s ok to love both…

I LOVE this article so much. It totally resonated with me because for awhile I held onto some major guilt for making the choice to go back to work after my son was born. Even though I never wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom, once he was born, that’s all I wanted. But then time passed, and I remembered, it’s ok to be passionate about our careers and our families. No one questions the father in the equation for why he abandoned his family to go back to work. No one makes him feel guilty for loving his career and loving his family. I know my purpose in life is to be a social activist and to build my career helping people and families as well as being the matriarch of my own family. It’s ok to do both. And it’s ok to love doing both. ♥

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